Where I Keep My Gun
Written 11/21-11/23/06
Never been wont* to shame or carry a loaded gun
but I've spun one around the chamber with your name etched in the lead
I've seen your face burnt in her gaze; tasted your love upon her legs
So this time I draw my gun first and just like an autumn leaf you fall
This time I draw my gun first and just like a leaf you fall dead
...while I keep on firing into your head
And I hope you know now where I keep my gun
Well I hope you know now where I keep my gun
Said I hope you know where I keep it
Bm A E / Bm C# G# E Bm A E
*the word "wont" used in this context means: accustomed to.
About the song, Where I Keep My Gun: Since you can't hear it yet until I record it, I might presuppose to promise that this song is comparable only to some combination of Johnny Cash, Nirvana's Unplugged In New York album, The Crash Test Dummies, the eccentricities of Kill Bill, and Beck's song "Lost Cause."
posted by Deirdre on 10:49 PM
By His stripes He mends the division of man from His God
When flesh was torn, the curtain opened
then earth and Holy glory stared into respectful other
For He has satisfied His Father's justice
On the seat of mercy and that cursed tree
Yes, our King is risen, He is the Risen One
Our Bridgegroom beckons us with gladness
to a Kingdom far beyond this wilderness
where we will praise our Jesus in that land forever
For we are but sojourners in the dark world
yet in the presence of Son will that darkness flee
and everything having not His breath shall to the valley flee
where in the Valley of the Shadow of Death separate He flesh eternally
posted by Deirdre on 12:50 PM
The sky is blue
The grass is green
when I'm here holding you
The matter's gray
from my perspective
It matters not
when I'm without you
it matters not
this sky is blue
posted by Deirdre on 2:54 PM
And Nameless, Yet
In the end was it in pride I brought the downfall?
For all my lovers heard the last of me
And lovers cursed the best in me
thus the worst remains and I lay broken on a shelf
To thus decay
I lie a thousand years in open wind and open wounds
I open worlds of thought to squander on eternity inane
to wake upon a rocky bed of angst unyielding
where all the desert empties to a wayward heart
I watch the universe collapse around it
I see the body wilt and freckle in the sun
I add a thousand wounds upon my winded frame
and I wait here evermore but why
I pray here evermore to hide
and unto You these empty eyes do open to confide
posted by Deirdre on 3:07 AM
Don't Let Them Leave Me Here Alone
Please take me home now
where have I wandered
where was I going, where did I go
and can you take me home or kill me
I can't get off, I'm tired of spinning
I've done my rounds of failed repentance
how the hell can I pay my penance
I'm so tired of all the spinning
and I cannot understand Your grace
This morning, took one look at my reflection as I stopped to splash my face
I couldn't not wake up, I could not wake the older me
hardly can remember who I used to be
You're not on the outside, I'm on the inside looking out for me
but you don't see me, you can't see me
you can see all, but please don't see me
Please, take me home
I'm hardly worth my time
I'm hardly worth my lust
Take my life and take my lack of trust
Jesus, take me
take me with my innocence and dignity
Please, take me home
posted by Deirdre on 1:29 AM
Six Feet To Abaddon
Hell, oh sweet hell,
How low lay thee, yet
We say you hello
And goodbye, halos
For the world bid adieu to the fallen angels
And dirges on dirt dance we freely above
since six feet in all
eternally loved
O, why raise a hand
or rise they to stand
when hide we the monster
in ever'y man
for they ever-sleeping, never to waken
sow we white fields of men burning and breaking
------About this poem------
Abaddon is the Koinh Greek word for the lake of fire and bottomless pit; also defined simply as destruction. Often we think of this place as "Hell", but Biblically, Hell is the excruciatingly hot waiting place where the souls of the unredeemed wait for King Jesus to judge them. As it is written, "It is appointed to every man to die once and then the judgment". For the sake of poetic artistry and due to the general acceptance of "Hell" as the eternal lake of fire, I have also referred to the bottomless pit as just such.
For artistic spoiler for those who would usually overlook the less obvious... there are hidden words in this poem, as I tend to place hidden words, phrases, even mini poems within the bodies of my work. The obvious one in this poem is "Hallelujah" in the second line of the first stanza.
The premise of this piece is that all of mankind conceals a monster. And we all walk the thin line between this life and God's impending judgment. We are all guilty: those below and those above. Only those who have reconciled that fact remain above to partake in the dirge for the twice dead.
This work actually takes multiple viewpoints. The first being the divine justice or God. Hell is His answer to mankind's free will to play god and give Him the finger. "Sweet" may appear awkward, but it defines the eventual return to universal balance. The fallen angels are both literal and metaphorical; metaphorically, they are the self-righteous and feared of man. They are those who fear not the Living God.
Those who live on are eternally loved, but not in the sense that God didn't love the aforementioned. It's in His perfect love and purity of justice that unrepentant sin and rebellion must be judged and thereby honored. Man chose not God; God honored his decision by sealing the unfathomable divide in eternal separation of Creator from rebellious creation.
Note that the redeemed don't celebrate the destruction of the unrepentant. They sing a dirge for them.
"O, why raise a hand or rise they to stand when hide we the monster in ever'y man" speaks of how Hell is hopelessly unescapable. It is pointless to try and differentiate between our varieties of sinfulness because we each--redeemed or not--are the monsters. We earned that one simple equality.
"for they ever-sleeping, never to waken
so we white fields of men burning and breaking" is obvious, yet complicated, deeper. Jesus told His disciples while in Samaria that the fields were "white unto harvest". They were to preach the Good News of salvation--forgiveness from sin--unto the ends of the world. The souls of man would be their harvest. So this line "so we white fields of men burning and breaking" is a play on words contrasting Abaddon with the words of Christ. In contrast, their souls now seed the unsearchable depths of Hell, germinating in unending decay and eternal heat so white; a constant breaking of bones and gnashing of teeth.
Talk about painting with dark colors. I find much untapped beauty in a melancholy denouement. God bless you all.
posted by Deirdre on 9:28 AM
Gonna stake my claim on this life
Burn the old me in my front yard
See my friends come, do they stop to inquire
why the change of face
What happened to the old one, disgrace
See us burn as man and his flames throw their hands to the sky
It bellows smoke from the window of souls
and I am wanting more for You
to consume my pride
and take all the perverted things I hide
when nothing's sacred
my secret's safe with
my sin is owned by you
when nothing's sacred
my secret's safe with
my sin is owned by you
posted by Deirdre on 2:54 PM
Gonna stake my claim on this life
Burn the old me in my front yard
See my friends come and they stop to inquire
why the change of face
What happened to the old one, disgrace
See it burn as man and his flames throw their hands to the sky
It bellows smoke from the window of the soul
and I am wanting more for You
to consume my pride
and take all the perverted things I hide
when nothing's sacred
and secrets come clean
my sin is owned by you
when nothing's sacred
my secret's safe with
my guilt is owned by you
posted by Deirdre on 2:54 PM
Inanition
I fall broken on my shattered world
To lay beside you when You burn me down
When heaps of ashes hush the million voices
And you don't even make a sound
Just your frown turned upside-down
That frown turned upside-down
Now our pride has turned to madness
Killing everyone You love
And everything You hated I have loved
The message of the cross has made me weak
And I will mock you with my theories
So long, so much so wrong
So much so wrong
So much so very wrong with us
We took the "right pills" when the sky was falling
Appointing jesters to their dusty pulpits
Inventing ways of candy-coating truth
Preaching shameful inanition
Cutting deep to numb the bone
So much so wrong
It feels so right
So much so very wrong
We cannot see the Light
And we cannot see You as You break us
posted by Deirdre on 10:39 PM
Maybe she's just waiting for a chance to take it for what she makes it
what they don't know is she just keeps holding on
posted by Deirdre on 5:49 PM
in their lunar trance, abandoning the greatest
and their filthy lucre to the wind aflamed in rot
there stood the greatest left to entertain us
a gun in their mouth and a pill in their hand
a pill in their mouths and blood in their hands
it's been a decade and we were too naive
and to young to believe in what we had just seen
what have we lost
and what did he gain
everything, and nothing will remain
looking around to realize that we will never be the same
if only all the blood could fill our hands
to form the songs he never let us
to swear he'll never leave us
again
posted by Deirdre on 10:25 PM
Full Circle (C#m)
Copyright ©2005 Among Seven
All hell break loose, no place to hide
The clouds, they come, and the sun may fade
They hide the sky, they hide away
But He'll judge every secret, come what may
C#m B5 A2 G#m-m7-m-m7
Come what may come, I feel it now
C#m
Now, come and hear me out until the day they come around
I wonder will the world finally regret
this sinful carousel the day it comes around
When it comes around, everybody falls off
And it comes around full circle
posted by Deirdre on 5:18 PM
Something's stirring in the air lately. I feel that great suffering will be upon the American church shortly, at which point many will fall away to avoid the tribulations. Scripture says that you will suffer if you follow Jesus Christ.
The wicked abomination that is the Christian Music Industry is undermining the work of the Holy Spirit in our generation's lives, while simultaneously preparing us for a great apostasy unlike any other. Many, many, many will fall away. I am convinced of this. Jesus spoke of it. And I believe the Holy Spirit testifies to my heart that this is true.
Look around you. Those we once looked up to for guidance are falling; some are even changing teams in this war. The AntiChristian Music Industry (that is the Christian Music Industry) has made bitter those who had once served so faithfully. The young and Godly are falling so quickly. There exists an ungodly spiritual liberality that is spreading like a wildfire in the hearts of men and women, young and old. Christian artists that we used to look up to only a decade ago have changed teams completely: former DC Talk band member, Kevin Max; Evanescence vocalist, Amy Lee; all that is left of Luna Halo; and the list goes on.
You take one look at the blogs of Kevin Max, and you wonder how a man can change so radically from that passionate, young man of God in the late '80's, early-to-mid-90's, into a self-proclaimed liberal Christian that your parents warn you about. His music has become so self-absored, his spirituality so modern conformist, and his lyrics so indecipheribly encrypted. What ever happened to that man of convictions who sang so passionately about the band MxPx and need for repentance? MxPx had put God on the back burner and were absorbed by the corporate machine, into a self-loving, self-serving career path which sterilizes any Spirit-led saint. Today, it seems Kevin couldn't care less how his life affects the body of Christ or the unsaved. With pictures of himself with alcohol in one hand and a Playboy Bunny in the other, or artsy portraits of his mega ego, it makes it very difficult to ever find out that he's a so-called "Christian".
Luna Halo used to be an awesome band with honest, edgy lyrics, focused on the soundness of scripture, and flourishing on spiritual integrity. Today, it is impossible to find any of these words on their website: God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Bible, prayer, salvation, gospel, etc. In fact, they seem to mention themselves and hot women more than anything. And all their lyrics (as far as I have previewed them on their website) seem to conform to U2's thoughtless recycling of unintelligent, unspiritual, unloving and worthlessly non-thought-provoking contextual concepts; a 10 year-old with an ego and a chip on his shoulder could have written their lyrics. What ever happened to the passionate men of God who lived, breathed, and walked by the Spirit; able to defeat any foolish notion of man, ready to live and die for Christ at all times?
It seems to me these bands are sucked dry by the insatiable entertainment appetites of our children, then spiritually abused in the closet by the AntiChristian Music Industry, who consistently rapes and pillages the Body of Christ to fill its bottomless pockets. Our children, in their tragic fixations on entertainment, have robbed these brothers and sisters from the refreshing confirmations of spiritual fruit and receptiveness in the concert audiences. The bands have grown cold due to their lack of faith, that they should be easily weened from Sound Doctrine or dissuaded to change teams.
--to be continued
posted by Deirdre on 9:29 PM
I thought I could get by on living the big lie
you've been feeding us all from the very start
But you weren't always this way
I remember you, you used to speak the way that I do
And now you laugh at the expense of others
on your way up to glory
and on their way down to hell
God damn you all to hell
how can you take the smell
of all the bull you've traded for His mercies
Burning offerings to your ears and lips and stomachs
And singing songs to please your sacred cow
Your music never died for anyone
That edgy lyric never rolled a stone away
Can you guiltlessly forget the name you had just yesterday
Has your knowledge been your tragic downfall
posted by Deirdre on 9:00 PM
Back from the dead...
It's been since June, 2004 I last posted on here. I've taken a long break from writing poetry, but I'm back again. I've been writing a lot of music this year and I hope you like the song I wrote today. Actually, I've been working on the music to it for several months and the lyrics came to me just now. I've found that anything can be beautiful when you turn it into a reason to praise the Lord. What a wonderful Maker! Enjoy the song. I'm still deciding on a name, but for now I'm calling it The Midnight Hour. I'm recording it on video so I don't forget it; perhaps I'll post that online when it's finished so you can feel the meter. The Midnight Hour
Every day your shadows keep wand'ring back to haunt me
they're all I see of you
it's all there is to know
But I don't want to know
I don't ever want to know
O this narrow line we walk
and all the hours spent trodding off
What a waste of my time
What a waste of this life
What a waste of my time
No, don't come crawlin' back
No, don't come crawlin' back
Don't come crawling back
I don't want to see your shadow showing up at my door
Yeah, and no more do I need a midnight eyeful
Another addict's sinful fix
Cause I've let you in before
But I don't want you anymore
O, this narrow line we walk
and all the hours spent trodding off
What a waste of my time
What a waste of this life
What a waste of my time
No, don't come crawlin' back
No, don't come crawlin' back Don't come crawling back Lord, set me apart for Your Son
O how I need Your Spirit in me
And bless You, Father,
O Light of my midnight hour
posted by Deirdre on 2:56 PM
Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
(by Gary Jules)
posted by Deirdre on 9:16 PM
I posted a ton of Aaron Sprinkle's songs that he wrote with Rose Blossom Punch. I don't think it gets any better than Aaron Sprinkle! It's funny, I have all of these songs memorized... most of them came out 8 years ago. SCARY! It feels like yesterday.
Of course, it feels like yesterday Aaron Sprinkle was in Poor Old Lu. But that was...oh gosh...what, did they start in '88 and end in '98? And their reunion album came out in 2003? Sadly, that last album was a waste of time, save three songs.
Anywho. Rose Blossom Punch.
posted by Deirdre on 2:50 AM
Par Avion
by Rose Blossom Punch
"it has done me good to be somewhat parched by the heat
and drenched by the rain of life."
-henry w. longfellow
when you opened up your mouth
did it appear to be
a final falling out
with what is left of me
hear the laughter on the hill
when everything is still
naturally it makes me angry
i'm overwhelmed with hate and worry
i've been lying on the floor for hours
with principalities and powers
could it have ever been
but near the end
you open up your mouth
it all comes falling out
hear the crying on the hill
when everything is still
naturally it makes me angry
i'm overwhelmed with hate and worry
i've been lying on the floor for hours
with principalities and powers
don't you ever say to me again
it's all over now
and don't it feel
that's all too real
you saved my soul
but did you open up your head
and did you figure out again
that the redemption never ends
in spite of me
come on over
it's all over
i'm on your good side
i've been holding in to feel the same
if i could get into the game
it's all my fault
you said to me yourself to let it go
now i can feel it so much more
than i've known
well i heard about our friend
i hear he'll never hope again
it's all the same
posted by Deirdre on 2:49 AM
If I Were Dead
by Rose Blossom Punch
"man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering and that is a fact."
-fyodor dostoyevsky
so long
i guess it's so long
i can feel this now
my time
yes it's my time
do you want me now
oh well
you never could tell
'cause you don't know how
you saved me
then you dragged me
all the way to hell
all the times you said
you'd be better off if i were dead
you know you could have walked away
could have walked away
over
guess it's over
and now you're the one
who cares
'cause you're so scared
and you know i'm done
so long
guess it's so long
do you feel this now
all the times you said
you'd be better off if i were dead
you know you could have walked away
could have walked away
posted by Deirdre on 2:47 AM
Hot Rod Horse
by Rose Blossom Punch
"absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment."
-william shakespeare
drivin' through tennesse
not a house in sight
i think about all the times
we've held each other tight
i hear your voice on the phone
before i go to bed
i lay awake all night long
with your face inside my head
i'm too far away to see you
and all i want is to be with you
and look into your eyes
and i feel so alone without you
i've got a thought
it keeps me sane
you've got to know it's true
no matter which
way i drive
i'll end up home with you
i'm too far away to see you
and all i want is to be with you
and look into your eyes
and i feel so alone without you
say a prayer for me
and when you do
you know i'll say one too
i'll be thinking of
that special girl i love
i'm too far away to see you
and all i want is to be with you
and look into your eyes
and i feel so alone
i feel so alone
i feel so alone
without you
(Deirdre, this song always reminds me of you... I even sang it to myself once while on the road in Tennessee)
posted by Deirdre on 2:44 AM
Haunted Church
by Rose Blossom Punch
you think you know everything about me
i could tell you now everything i'm thinking
and i promise you that you wouldn't know a word
to think you didn't see
you were all alone next to me
all alone next to me
taking folding chairs up to the cathedral
lying on the floor in a haunted church
whining to the score that i couldn't need you more
if i fell into the sea
you'd still be all alone next to me
still be all alone next to me
all alone
and every time i try to figure out the end
i couldn't see
i'm getting closer as the sand becomes a friend
i couldn't be
oh my god
i never thought i would remember
that you're still here when i open up my eyes
to think i didn't see
you were all alone next to me
you were all alone next to me
all alone
posted by Deirdre on 2:41 AM
First Time In Vermont
by Rose Blossom Punch
"it is easy to promise, and alas! how easy to forget!"
-alfred de musset
chasing words
are you still frightened
heard you called
caught my wanderings
thought they'd see
see it my way
broken words
i am frightened now
we could stand together if i'd just speak out
we could find a meaning on this torn blue couch
broken mouth
a fortune to make up
sickened heart
all for you my love
thought you'd see
see it my way
in turn
we'll sing out loud
we could stand together if i'd just speak out
we could find a meaning on this torn blue couch
in my head the reasons are all on display
i could tell you everything but not today
please don't ask why till we rise
your dreams are mine
posted by Deirdre on 2:40 AM
Fall To Place
by Rose Blossom Punch
would you have noticed if i swam away
did i make you think twice about letting me in
maybe if you'd hold me one more time
one more time
i can't tell you anything that is not a lie
the changing times
the fading lines
will you carry me
a fortress falls
a lady calls
will you marry me
shot down your advice about the world
but i didn't listen when you hated me
it took me ages just to come to this
if you wanted to kill me
you could've done it with a kiss
with a kiss
the changing times
the fading lines
will you carry me
a fortress falls
a lady calls
will you marry me
since you went sour
i've been wondering how the rest will fall to place
but i didn't notice
how you undertook this burden of disgrace
the changing times
the fading lines
will you carry me
a fortress falls
a lady calls
will you marry me
the changing times
the fading lines
will you carry me
a fortress falls
a lady calls
will you marry me
marry me
marry me
merry me
posted by Deirdre on 2:24 AM
Cyclone Fence
by Rose Blossom Punch
she, she said to me
remember when the sunshine left us clean
oh, she wants to know
do you remember letting go
we let the hour come steal away the light
oh, my frail will
takes along another chance to kill
hatred in your hand
couldn't i have been a simple man
we let the hour come steal away the light
and then it kicked my sober face into the night
oh woe am i
come wash away my sin
and let me open up this door against the wind
posted by Deirdre on 2:24 AM
Confused
by Rose Blossom Punch
took me a while just to give it away
i've been saving it up
saving it up
no
took me a while just to tell you the truth
i've been saving it up
saving it up
no more time
if my face gives away i'm confused
terribly sorry to say you elude
carry a sigh on your head and you paint on your frown could i love you instead
i'll give you a chance if you leave one to me
where do we begin
where do we begin
if my face gives away i'm confused
terribly sorry to say you elude
carry a sigh on your head and you paint on your frown could i love you instead
i feel lonely
wouldn't you
i feel sorry
shouldn't you
no more
no more time
posted by Deirdre on 2:23 AM
Beauty
by Rose Blossom Punch
"whole years of joy glide by, unpercieved away,
while sorrows count the minutes as they pass."
-william harvard
beauty unbounded lies in your mind
it shines in your face ad speaks through your eyes
sour still the memory of past words and fears
clouds thick the joy and happier years
sorrow unmeasured runs through your frame
pulling you down and taking your strength
sorrow unmeasured runs through your mind
pulling you down and taking your time
stars in your eyes and dreams in your heart
are almost in reach yet a little too far
posted by Deirdre on 2:18 AM
A Step Into The Dark
by Rose Blossom Punch
"the steps of faith fall on the seeming void, but find the rock beneath."
-john g. whittier
i guess i thought a letter would be less confusing
so for your eyes i write another waterlogged excuse
toil and turn and watch another secret burn
controlling words is something i just wasn't born to do
and there's is a secret beneath you
in my silence i defend my common sense
and i see through all the stupid things i do
it's hard to write a letter with an open mind
when all i saw was underneath a satisfied embrace
that exposed your wondrous face
in my silence i defend my common sense
as i'm walking along my familiar fence
and i see though all the stupid things i do
and that this path i'm on will never lead to you
in my silence i defend my common sense
as i'm walking along my familiar fence
and i see though all the stupid things i do
and that this path i'm on will never lead to you
and i'm looking back to only see a spark
as i finally take a step into the dark
posted by Deirdre on 2:14 AM
Windswept
by Rose Blossom Punch
"surely half the world must be blind; they can see nothing unless it glitters."
-august & julius hare
all my friends are lonely
they left me only
minutes in the hole
so i'll fake a listen
sneak a kiss in
but only love is gold
and i see you from afar
i know who you are
i can tell you all apart
would you marry me
so we'll be free
for a lovely day
would you care to fall
and sell us all
and would you laugh along the way
and i can see you from afar
and i know who you are
i can tell you all apart
if you leave it to me she said
you're asking the world
and if you take it from me instead
who will you owe
wouldn't i be freezing
but so alive
if i killed another day
thought i've never fallen
still you mention often
that i wanted to be saved
and i see you from afar
i know who you are
i can tell you all apart
if you leave it to me she said
you're asking the world
and if you take it from me instead
who will you owe
i caught my hand in the door again
what is it for
if you leave it to me she said
who will you owe
posted by Deirdre on 2:13 AM
One of my favorite songs ever...
It All Comes Down
by Rose Blossom Punch
it all comes down
to what i never said
when i'm breaking your heart
just like you broke my head
you said i could believe you still
but i didn't mend
and it all come round
to what it's never been
so you set me down
inside a padded cell
and all i get today
is little tastes of hell
you led me to believe you
so you could shut me out
and now you rest assured
beyond a shadow of doubt
can i fall apart in your tired willing arms
i lack the courage to admit you were ever wrong
do i seem afraid when you turn the other way
from everything i do that comes back around again
(whoever can find me a copy of this song, I'll give them $20)
posted by Deirdre on 2:09 AM
everything for their children
eighteen years pass by
nothing left to give their young man
mom and dad stay up weeping into the night
their son is thankful
you did everything for me
yes, I'm thankful
for everything
a wedding day with nothing to show
for a gift to give their boy
grandpa perches on his mound of lucre
my parents fight to fill the cupboards
and I am thankful
I am grateful
mom and dad, I love you
you've done everything
no one can replace you
you've done everything you can for us
they did everything for us
everything for their children
posted by Deirdre on 1:07 PM
ten years to the day
I was only eight when she warned me of the nearing end to adolescence
she told me softly how a decade goes before you
but letting me down easy only dulled the point
that finally broke my skin, ten years to the day
Kathy told me how to live before my life got started
but why did I sit here in my ego and ignore her until now
where is she that I might thank her for that word of wisdom
where did she go and is she even coming back
I was quite the fool to think that life would wait for me
I waited this long and it didn't wait for me
she lived only once and I think I almost did that too
to live to see her die so young has really left me wounded
knowing I was only eight and that she warned me to be young before you're old
eight years, been ten years
eight years old was ten short years ago
posted by Deirdre on 9:08 PM
Nightmare
She listens to my nightmare in the dark
and though the window's closed, I still can feel the draft
the chill crawls in my bed, and up my spine and down the covers
Escape to dreaming where I can't escape
from veils of darkness on their rotting faces
they crave me and I'm caving in
she listens to me scream but she can't get in
she hears me out, she hears everything
victorian-gowns swishing to the wind and
goat-legged whores with crooked wills
offering their death for free
I'm standing at the door to hell and knocking
The shroud of darkness sits as fog
it starts six inches from the hall
and inches from them all
departs my stomach with my mind
I lose it on the floor to the drip of rotting flesh
cursed to breathe this stale, poisoned air
I know the ceilings caving in on me and the musty dark about me
and all the darkness grabs me
She listens to my nightmare months after I wake
but I tell it like I'm in it
and feel it vividly
that sliding pull towards the darkened hall
the whores behind me, they call my name and ask me what my pleasure is
I haven't any
I haven't any
posted by Deirdre on 11:07 PM
of the sins
that memories faded
two stuck by
in taints, in blights
goodbye
when will I see you again
the wall says stay away
stay afraid
how'd you get in again
into my brain
can't get in a word
to cease the pain
to send you away
to erase this shame
Gm F C G Gm F
posted by Deirdre on 9:58 PM
With seconds to verse myself in
and let it all ring
in chorus
in me
In segue between
life and dark
light and death
with nothing but me
to bring
I open my mouth
as if to sing
I lay down my tears at your feet
washing my eyes of what I've seen
Now I've seen You
Now I sing
Timing: ONE, two, three, FOUR, five, six
Chords:
|E--x----x------------------------x-----x-------x---------
|B--14--12--11h12------------9-----7-------6---------
|G--14--12--11h12------------0-----x-------x---------
|D--x----12--11----------------6------4h5---3h4------
|A--0----14--13----------------7------5------4---------
|E--x----x-----------------------9------7------6---------
Root-note bassline:
A--B--Bb----C#--B--Bb
posted by Deirdre on 1:38 AM
Deprived
My eyes are tired and I just woke up
Wearied by another lonely night,
together with my heart.
Another night without you.
Awake and falling apart
I come undone with the tossing covers
as they untuck me from my heart.
And I'm wearied by another lonely night,
another buried night,
sulking over waking up.
Lacking sleep and missing you;
deprived of kissing you.
Missing sleep and lacking you;
and sulking over waking up.
posted by Deirdre on 2:57 PM
Unearthly
some like
everything perfect, and
in its place
in its place
inner space
in its place, and
everything perfect
I am not quite there
doubt I'll ever be
yet You remain much more than me
I am sin
I am unearthly
you are an alien influence
unearth me
C Cmaj7
G5 G/F E E7 (Lead: Ab-A-B-A-Ab) E C Cmaj7
posted by Deirdre on 11:09 PM
thirteen years and counting
hello my horomonal time bomb
so what makes you tick
who made you sovereign for me now
burning me with the whick
when I said hello at thirteen
I started counting back
the word go went up in signs of green lit lights around me
and now I'm no longer me
even when I have to be
there goes another part of me
there goes my will, virginity
where'd I go wrong
there's so much so wrong with me
we lose ourselves in finding meaning in our pants
and find ourselves losing out on life's best years
and wonder why or where we went wrong
somewhere back at puberty when we felt wrong
everything in us cried out right
we should have fought back
then again, we should fight back today
and save all that we have not given away
to pick ourselves back off of shelves and wear innocence
I am not a slave anymore
I'm no longer me only when I need to be
Jesus freed me, He freed me
He freed you, He freed me
G F
G F G/Ab
Em Em/F# G F
This song is not about me, so much as it is about my generation.
posted by Deirdre on 5:54 PM
to be a boy again
guys won't admit that they are fragile, too
or that they like being held the way I do
I know the rules say I must dominate you
but now the secret's out
and I want you to
I want to feel your arms around me
to be a boy again
cause I missed out on having a daddy
now I'm older and he's simply dad to me
and I regret not enforcing his knee
a place to sit and rest my head
in his arms
that are ever-bigger than me
and no matter how tall I am
he's always bigger
and how I feel the daddy in me
wishing I was his son again
and not some man
I fit in his genes
but they're always bigger than me
my only memory fading now
is the regret
cause what I'm left with makes me fret
only for being inept
to have a kid of my own
I've never wept
so hard
and missed you more
and now you're twice as far away from daddy
dad, you're a grandpa and that's brought you back
and I see the knee my children love to sit on
and the arms that held me tight
holding them
oh, what a sight
and my wife
holding me like I need
being ever so fragile, indeed
posted by Deirdre on 8:14 PM
Well, Hello
capo: third fret, key of Bbmaj
G Cmaj7 D9
when you speak, you drown out the pain
when you laugh, all these miles they seem like inches
and tonight as we part ways, my love
save your breath
save all your goodbyes
yeah, tonight
don't you cry
don't even say goodbye
you turn your head away
I turn it back again and kiss your eyes
don't ever say goodbye
I'm here and I don't plan on leaving you behind
no don't say goodbye
save your breath
someday we'll say hello again
but until then your silence tells me all I need to know
posted by Deirdre on 10:09 PM
Cold or Nod
wake up children
no time to rub your eyes
no time to sort it out
wake to sinking
death can't hold you under
for just as waters rise above our ankles
so shall we in the end
sleep through the screams and sinking
promise you'll close your eyes
dream to meet your end
and meet again in Nod
a land unsinkable
can't guard you from the pain
but the cold will numb it anyway
don't fear the shallows
swallow this lie just one more night
a story to sedate you
six feet under
below the cruelest sky
and fathoms beneath the minds
that brought us out here to die
we can taste the salty sea now
we can feel the warmth it's fading
blue faces and blue lips and blue sea
no one wake the children
sinking with their bedside grave
sinking in these sheets
with angels singing them to sleep
so cold
who will wade in depths so strange
and grieve this loss of old
posted by Deirdre on 7:55 PM
Until we are answered
in a corner of my mind
I look away
wishing we could change
but I know this stain can't fade away
'least not today
poets' pen and ink
and dust to dust
they won't mean anything, anthing
when we are gone
lamenting in song and dance
wearing ashes
on our heads and sackcloth
quite fitting for a hell-bound and ungodly world
but let's all save our dirge
until we're answered
posted by Deirdre on 7:30 PM
a piece of mine falling
who am I anymore
and what have I got to prove
when all the proof is in you
pretending
let's forget humility
can't leave home without it
but I do it anyway
what do we try to prove
when all the proof remains nude
though we dress our thoughts to court
with skin and ways of lewd
embracings
I'm finally free
but where do I get off enslaving me
see how I stroll death row
looking old, not fitting the mould
I'm alive, yet a living corpse
treating your faithfulness like a whore
and thinking your kindness is my last meal
though you promise to let me live
I am blind and unaware of the paradigm
searching for a piece of mind
a piece of mine
in pieces, I
am falling
a piece of mine
falling
posted by Deirdre on 6:59 PM
Not just for the music
Sunday evening, backstage curious
wondering why we've come this far only to quit
And I can't explain myself
and no one explained it to me
why, oh why must this meet its end
nothing makes sense
except for you
you met me and we hugged across the fence
you came because you love me and consider me your friend
I told you I consider you a father
and you hugged me, Karl
and showed me how to see again
you came to my last gig to see me
you came there just for me, my friend
and I'd like to say I love you
and goodbye
and I thank you, brother
thank you, my friend
i: Thanks Pastor Karl.
posted by Deirdre on 10:47 PM
For those who've heard them too
They tell me hang
they drive their thoughts into my brain
they tell me die
they push their fears into my life
I try to hide
they tell me end it with a knife
they tell me things to make the man in me collide
with empty mirrors that leave me emptier inside
they tell me die
they tell me lies
posted by Deirdre on 12:51 AM
Another thousand voices
They playout like a broken record
I'm spinning, hearing every thought
they tell me to rely on their advice
they claim to be prophets with greater insight.
But, since when does God have a thousand voices
and why can't they agree
one says, "Wait!"
one says, "Go!"
one says, "Hey, I don't know,
but this can't be God cause it makes you smile...
Listen up!
You are young!
I've been 'round quite awhile,
square it in your sights, that I can only be right.
I used up all my youth doing wrong.
But I've become the prize rolemodel, can't you see?
You're a failure, won't you follow me?"
They leave me frail, though I started strong
they say I'm failing when I've given my all.
And they still play out like a broken record
prodding their needles through my heart and brain.
I'd go insane if I gave them the time of day.
Them: "Read this book!!"
Me: "Who's it by?"
Them: "Not by God."
Me: "Sorry, I will not place my trust in an author besides my God."
Them: "But, I read it twice! It'll change your life into mine!"
And since when was my goal to become you?
All along I have strived to be only Christ, and to rid myself of me.
Now, I'll tell you why I can't lean on your advice!
Cause God says that I can't lean on even mine.
Maybe if you'd pray before you speak, it would be better for you, prophet!
But your weak excuse for empathy strikes me as rude.
Cause you don't know me, nor will you care to try.
Just accept that your proverb is not found with mine.
Unless God messed up and forgot one more
it says: "Sit yourself at the council of fools; don't guard your mind,
just fold your hands and play nice. Nothing from above is pleasurable,
for when did God claim pleasures forevermore at His right hand?"
posted by Deirdre on 11:37 PM
pages
Don't make me
just an island in a paper mache world
all alone
indifferent to the waves of people gone by
They won't hear the half of my story
yet they'll stretch out the sky
like you stretched the truth
while these lonesome, sandy shores await you
Just sail on by my isle
Why even trace my fate out in your mind
leave me to die on your frail few lines
abandoned and unnoticed
as an island on your paper globe
searching frantically like the waves gone by
for someone who knows what it is to be abused
how it takes a lot out of one to know someone like you
who hides behind his taking up time
Don't even think you have read my mind
I am an open book
but you tear me up inside
oh how I crumble when I cannot bend
it was you who tore out my pages
and left me in frays
so don't try to blame me
or paint me, or make me mache
verse Gm F Cmaj7 ; chorus Fm Cmaj7
i: Please no commentary poetry.
posted by Deirdre on 1:47 AM
two sides
Headlong for the coast
to let our worlds collide
Sailing on our boats
we have our broken oars
we have what brings us
thus this far
this world has two sides
Onward lonely boat
am I 'gonna find
the other half to my soul
am I 'gonna find
a better half to me
what am I 'gonna find
my God is, has been the waves
crashing atop our heads
and holding us afloat
He is the wind against our backs
pushing us to collision
sail onward lonely boat
what am I 'gonna find
chord progression: Fm/Ab . . . . C
bass progression: Ab G C Bb G
i: My first truly completed song. This is about the long journey to meeting my bride-to-be. It was tough and lonely, to say the least. But it was eternally worth it! And in the end I did find the other half of my soul! She comes from a totally different world on the other side of America, so when we finally met it was as if two worlds had collided. But we cannot take credit for meeting, because that was totally the Lord. That's why I chose the analogy of boats because our futures have been up to the waves and wind, our God who brought us safely to shore. Our broken oars are our only way of attempting to make the journey shorter, yet they never worked because they are broken. God pushed us with His wind and we had nothing to do with meeting. Two sides is about how I've been on one side of this little world of mine and she's had the other, and now we've collided. We both were searching. We've lived on this side of heaven, where we cannot see God's present hand. The chorus, onward lonely boat, is me just accepting that I cannot change the direction of the wind, yet still curious to see what I'm going to find in the end. So sail onward, lonely boat. Sail like a giraffe riding a whale. That's my advice to the children. And don't try to swim. You just swallow a lot of water that way, then get all bloated.
posted by Deirdre on 1:06 AM
2 Timothy 1:3-14
I thank God, whom I serve with a clear conscience the way my forefathers did, as I constantly remember you in my prayers night and day, longing to see you, even as I recall your tears, so that I may be filled with joy. For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you... for this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity, but now has been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle and a teacher. For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. Retain the standard of sound words which you have heard from me, in the faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you.
posted by Deirdre on 12:11 AM
Reflections into how what and why
Just this once, and never again.
I'd bury the rake
that pulled up the leaves
over my face or maybe just to see it weak.
When memory lane
has swarms of bees
and lots of other painful things that sting
How, what, why
falls deafening to lended ears which never bleed.
So why
a hell that nailed us down
could not have come prepackaged with a warning we can read
remains to you (to me), a mystery.
Dearly!
We tear at the scars,
even skin deep.
But breaking mirrors won't hide mistakes that dwell beneath.
No safer place is there to fly but in between.
I'd help you but I've given you my wings.
Today I'm living comfortably beneath the sky I've fallen from:
Now I make ends meat raking leaves only to burn these memories.
Unrelative to capo 1st fret: Ab9 C#2 Bbm7 Fm/Ab Fm
posted by Deirdre on 1:01 AM
She needs a song
If you need anything
just say so, then I'll sell my life to buy your comfort
...walking to you barefoot through the scary backroads,
over private property and across the busy highways.
I've got my guitar on my backpack, and I've picked a spot
to write a song to you. Jessica you know I love you
and I'd give anything to change your tune.
Always caught up in minor keys,
augmented hopes, diminished dreams.
I'll be there soon. Don't change, my friend... just wait for me.
(to my cousin)
posted by Deirdre on 6:28 PM
Stranded
Be mused, bemused
childlike state of a jocund you.
The merriment, jubilant eyefill of this beau.
I never pictured lovesick blue
in my wildest dreams of you.
Call it wine, and drink it down those lips.
I'm never full on you.
What it's of, my bride, my joy,
the melody to my heart's delight.
I want more of your sustaining chorus
playing softy through halls of heart and mind.
Douse me, love, in the honey
dripping down your lips.
Rinse me in the rain engulfing us in love consuming.
Stranded here together;
two lovers in a puddle, kissing,
while the rain drops mix with salty tears
as they trickle down a necking.
Eolian whispers,
notes few see above, descending
as harmony between our eyes, they sing
to us a lyric.
Two lovers' hearts with their Author in a chord
Held together, only wanting more,
and sinking, wanting to sink deeper, holding on.
O to whisper in her ear under the secrecy of her hair
to ogle at her eyes in silent smiles that say:
I'm craving one more laugh!
My heart's racing to the end of our first kiss.
Now I know why I've been missing this,
when we retreat to whispers,
return to kisses.
You're the love of my life, Deirdre!
posted by Deirdre on 3:14 AM
Segue
Cast me out like an unborn, useless...
dropping out, I've been all but truced, this
gives you time, so you better make up your mind.
You mucked me up, left me out here to dry,
to recuperate on cued resign.
Vanish into segued distance to the divine.
posted by Deirdre on 3:41 PM
Recently published in Theatre of the mind®
by Noble House Publishers: London, England.
Deirdre
A poem from my heart to yours, Love.
As I rise up from my folding chair,
taking in the vaguely scented air
with it's milestone taste of loneliness,
your whispers linger (hours gone),
and lull me to a wistful hush.
Oh, to dream of you,
to see you clad in smiles,
wearing my kisses on your face.
To make you mine,
to hear your laugh, to taste your skin,
to marry you all over again.
My bride, in day you're far,
in nights you're in my arms
and in my dreams.
Oh, night when you caress my soul
in dreams untold, in lights of gold.
Oh, daytime when I seldom dream,
when I cannot bear another thing
about how we should wait for rings,
patiently in the somber melancholy: daylight.
Deirdre, my bride, do not fret,
though I am not here yet,
and hold on patiently to your affections for me.
I am wanting soon to make you mine
for both the night and day alike.
Anxiously I count the hours till' my next evening
where dreams can pass the time until you're mine.
All my love, Deirdre, my bride.
©2003, Nicholas White
All rights reserved
posted by Deirdre on 1:13 AM
I step outside my father's house
and I stare hungrily into the clouds.
No manna from yet another empty sky.
I place my hands down at my side,
I stoop down low and taste what I call substance,
you call it earth,
and I insist it isn't made of dirt.
You rush to stop me as I raise a handful to my lips.
I'd eat a pound of mud, but you come and break my hands.
My tongue is numb,
and I can't tell between the taste of honey, the taste of clay.
You say you love me, yet you would never let me go my own way.
So I gave you the finger that you made me.
Even as I turn away to find my own way
I hear your Spirit follow me.
You chase me passed the outer wall,
you hop the gate behind me
and I cannot shake your footsteps sounding off my conscience.
Seemingly an eternity into my journey away from you,
in thirst my soul, my lips fall asunder to the dust.
But I mark another day down with what strength I still have left.
I mark another day down for my sprint from wisdom.
I'm a prodigal dumber than braille on a drive-up ATM
I wonder if I'll one day look to see you standing
beyond only the gate of my burial place,
if not perhaps above my very headstone where I'll be sleeping only six feet under.
and realize just how far from you that I have now become
Even here, while stripped bare at my farthest from you,
something in my mind tells me that you're near
and nearer even when I've failed you
I'm drawn, I'm gone, empty,
long-suffered by your endless mercies.
You've drawn me up and found me empty.
The story of my life.
Out of my well, I've brought you nothing
but the story of my life.
Yet you promise to trade me your history for mine.
I'm thirsty and nothing ever satisfies.
Lord, I'm empty, yet I pour myself out nonetheless
in faith that you have promised to fill me me passed the overflowing.
Quench this thirst, touch these lips, heal my blistered hands.
I want to see a new me in the reflection off your eyes of kindness.
And I want to feel the pages of Your Word between my fingers.
I am the wannabe,
a little god with a big stick for whacking a bigger father.
I am the pharisee.
I am the white washed tomb with dead men's bones.
I am Lazarus, and I can smell the stench about me.
I am the adulteress, do not let my peers overcome me any longer.
I am your servant, and far less than a son.
I am the prodigal, and you are my father.
posted by Deirdre on 10:34 PM
"Something in the way"
Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
But it's ok to eat fish
Cause they haven't any feelings
Something in the way
Ummmmm
Something in the way, yea
©Nirvana: Unplugged in New York
Go download this song. It will haunt you.
posted by Deirdre on 1:21 AM
Mark's honest sermon
incensed in follies
magnified by pride
enjoying lollypops
of another's sugarhigh
lapping drool
leftover from the last guy
chanting lies
that I won't die
won't shake this high
Ecclesiastes 2:17-22
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 5:46 PM
Idée fixe
count my friends
on my palm
I have none.
I am alone.
Alas, ten digits
embalm me inside my
poor hand in this silly game
where only the chronically sexy
stubbornly happy
will
survive
...
I have my
sick obsessions
I have my
trite confessions
I have
choice words and
subtleties
to retract my ever distant
promise to be truly something
"The reality of obsession -- its incessant return to the same few themes, scenarios and questions; its meticulous examination and re-examination of banal minutiae for hidden meanings that simply aren't there; the cancerous way an idee fixe usurps other, more interesting thoughts -- is that it is confining, not rebellious, and not fascinating but maddeningly dull."
--Laura Miller, "The Streetwalkers of San Francisco," New York Times, August 20, 2000
posted by Deirdre on 1:40 AM
The color of now
I heard it said, daddy,
what shape is yellow
what shape is yellow
I wonder how I'd answer
if I was on the receiving end
I wonder the color of things unnamed
I wonder the color of now
ask me how's it going
it's the color black now
the mood is black now
and all they say is shaded gray
all they'll give is yesterday
today is black
and tomorrow just started to fray
so I wear the color of now
my t-shirt says today
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 6:29 PM
Sus dulces ojos
One day your eyes will be full of life...
for now they are motionless,
yet ever on me in your picture that I have held and kissed
so unworthy of your lips.
One day my eyes will be full of your reflection
full of passion, always in direction
of those candied eyes
One day I'll motion for your lips
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 12:51 PM
till we're together
You say thank you
You wish I was there with you
Today is another day in the waiting room
Tonight we will have to go our separate ways
Tomorrow will be a prelude to the rest of our lives
But now is yet another bittersweet hello and goodbye
yes, another bittersweet hello, goodbye
one after the other, till we're together
when we wont ever say goodbye
again
Drop tune half step.
Chord progression: Am, Am/C-walkdown to inverted F#
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 11:11 PM
Midnight on the 12th of February
I'm broke and I'm broken
without a cent to fix the mess
I am without her
I cannot fly to Unity and hold her
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 11:42 PM
I don't know
No, no
I just don't know
And sometimes I wonder if I should try your number
but I don't know even that
and all I know of your face are stills of photos I can't speak to
but if they could hear me, I'd only want them to speak to me
But I would not know your voice
because all I know of you is that you're perfect,
and your letters, that they mean everything to me.
I don't know how to stop the rain
but I do know one thing,
that this distance between us is as a water-doused flame
and you know that we've had more than sparks between us
And more than just this distance.
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 9:18 PM
A.M.
it's now past 2:00
a quieting hush falls over me
the little hand moves right to 3:00
I have no desire to even breathe.
and the night is old, I feel like E. A. Poe
without a raven to inspire a poem
so now I'm writing down the proof of my fragility
because I miss the feeling of you reminding me
to live, to love, to laugh, to cry.
and now, my heart, I do know why
I miss the days you were not shattered
and scattered across the floor:
cause you were the only beating I've enjoyed.
it's nearly 4:00
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 8:23 PM
narcoleptic for Jesus
maybe someday I'll fall asleep
looking up to the sky
drifting down stream on a boat I'd made in my spare time
are you here with me
are you hearing me
am I sleeping
will you sink yet another boat
looking down from the sky
to see if I'll float, You'll tip me over and I'll fall right in
are You here with me
will I ever sink with you
are You more than the tide
more than the current
more than the undertoe that pulls me away from You
should I have stayed in that boat
or should I have jumped right in with You
maybe someday I'll fall asleep
looking up to the sky
sitting here at the bottom with you, and sink down below my pride
oh Your endlessness
oh You're endlessly
oh You're endless
maybe someday I'll fall for You
maybe then I'll jump right in for You
should I wait for the maybe
or maybe I should wait on Jesus
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 3:16 AM
Halls I've known
the bottle against your lips
is a poison going down
the wheel between your fingers
is a bomb timed to go
the volume in how you hate me
is a bullet now against my head
the poison, it still lingers
the wheel slips and they wont wake up
the moment seems forever
animating the memories that will haunt you
these halls I feel I've walked before
but I can't seem to unlock the doors
and I see my old classmates
I see the clock says it's all over
(for Robert)
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 10:21 PM
for closure
I Want to make this just like the first time
Wouldn't believe you'd drop me the last time
Solemnly swore that I would not mind
I gave you my heart on a valentine.
Then you tore it up and gave me a lie.
I'd sell all these pieces to
anyone who'd have me wounded and unmended.
My life is unintended, the pieces scatter across the floor.
I Want to make this just like the first time
When all I was, and what I should be was
Without you. Goodbye.
©2003 Nicholas White
posted by Deirdre on 10:56 PM
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